


Talk Euphemisms To Me

by Hatteress (goddammitstacey)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Dirty Talk, Euphemisms, Fingerfucking, Fluffy fun sex, M/M, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-13
Updated: 2013-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-29 04:40:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/682884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddammitstacey/pseuds/Hatteress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles gasps, letting his head fall back against the pillow as Derek bites at his adams apple. “So, since Deaton is playing Yoda these days, do I get to call my dick my <b>magic wand</b>?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talk Euphemisms To Me

**Author's Note:**

> [ ](http://hatteress.tumblr.com/post/42805885812/vangoghstars-terms-for-penis-you-should-notuse)
> 
> I GOT ALL OF THEM!
> 
> ~~Except for Stinky Pickle because Fizz Urban Dictionaried that shit and let's just say that it's NOT A EUPHEMISM FOR PENIS OH GOD WHY?!~~

Stiles gasps, letting his head fall back against the pillow as Derek bites at his adams apple. "So, since Deaton is playing Yoda these days, do I get to call my dick my **magic wand**?"

"Absolutely not," Derek says, because he's a giant fun-suck who has no fun. And also, he's sucking a hicky over Stiles' heart. _Fuck_.

Stiles groans, threading his fingers into Derek's hair. "C'mon, man - it could be worse," Stiles gasps, arching into it when Derek skates one slick finger over his hole. "I could have gone with **divine rod**."

Derek's answer is to bite lightly at Stiles' collarbone as he sinks one finger up to the second knuckle. Stiles grins. " **Doinker**?"

Derek huffs a laugh at that and Stiles would do a victory punch but Derek's pressing in and up and- " _Fuck_ yes," Stiles groans.

"That's not a euphemism," Derek says, mouthing hot under Stiles' ear as he pulls out to press two fingers bluntly against him.

Stiles is shameless enough to admit that he whines a little. "Careful, that sounds like a challenge," he pants, because Derek is opening him up at the speed of a fucking glacier and it's as frustrating as it is hot as hell. "C'mon, Derek - get me good and ready for your **bologna pony**."

Derek chokes a little against his neck but Stiles doesn't get to crow about it because Derek's fingers have found the fucking _yes_ button and Stiles' nervous system lights up with it. "Oh god, yes - _there_ -"

"You haven't hit on any of the classics," Derek says, skirting away from the happy spot ( _why!?_ ) to scissor his fingers so slowly Stiles is going to go crazy with it.

Stiles fists his hands in Derek's hair and grits his teeth. "C-classics-"

" ** _S_** ** _chlong_** ," Derek says lowly, lips brushing Stiles' ear and wow, Stiles is absolutely never, ever living down the fact that just made his dick jump. Stiles feels Derek's grin against his neck, because of _course_ he noticed and oh-

Derek starts moving his hand in shallow thrusts, fucking three fingers into him now as Stiles scrabbles at Derek's ridiculous shoulders and tries not to lose his mind.

" **Love muscle,** " Derek says, nipping at his jaw, and Stiles is really fucking ashamed to say he _actually_ groans. Not like Derek's the worst either; more like Derek is the smutty soundtrack to porn or something. Because that _voice_.

"Oh my god, don't you dare judge me," Stiles pants and he _feels_ Derek's filthy fucking chuckle against his skin as the pace picks up.

"I haven't even got to the good ones yet," Derek says, because he's an asshole who is going to _kill_ Stiles. Sure enough: " **P** **ower drill. Love stick. 100% all-beef thermometer.** "

Stiles chokes on a laugh that goes and turns into a moan halfway through because wow, _vibrations_. And Derek's _still_ talking - things like **ding dong** and **yogurt slinger** and motherfucking _**wankie**_ dropping from his mouth like he has a direct fucking connection to 4chan or some shit.

Stiles tosses his head back, feeling tears prick the edge of his eyes and it's ridiculous that he doesn't know if it's from the laughter or the frankly terrifying orgasm he has building here. "Come on, Stiles," Derek purrs — like, seriously fucking _purrs_ — into his ear and he's a goddamn superhero or something, because Stiles is a moaning, giggling mess and Derek hasn't cracked anything more than a smile yet. "Don't make me start in on the military puns."  
  
Stiles wheezes. " **C-captain winky**?"  
  
Derek crooks his fingers and suddenly every thrust is like striking a match across a powder keg and- " **DNA rifle,** " Derek says, and Stiles is laughing hard and coming even harder.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](http://hatteress.tumblr.com) meh!


End file.
